It wasn’t the first time I was asked that either. I’ve had to brave various versions of the same question numerous times in the past. So much so that I would be shocked if anyone even remotely thought I was a “cup is half full” sort of person.
This particular instance, however led to a long chain of thoughts about how, why and most importantly when I got this way. Usually what I would brush under the carpet had become too dirty for me to avoid.
So I began rewinding.
I couldn’t have always been like this, surely.
Then I realised some of my oldest and sharpest memories from childhood are centred on frustration about not possessing the control I desired. That remains so, even today. If there’s one thing I could never stand, it was this nauseating feeling of helplessness. I feel it in the pit of my stomach.
What has been the trigger for such a reaction then? Maybe it’s the constant pursuit of peace, maybe it’s the constant unrest. Or maybe it’s the longing for stability. I can’t put my finger on it yet. Writing is my only path to that knowledge.
No doubt, the quest for control has resulted in falls aplenty. Albeit becoming a regular affair, I could always pick myself up as long as I knew that I and I alone was the reason for the fall to begin with. Here, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just me. Or if everyone secretly crave that control?
Then again, this isn’t about any of those people. While most people seem to shirk responsibility, I thrive in situations that demand a level of accountability from me. Even if that means coming off as someone who is insensitive or intimidating.
The flipside to all of this though is that being this cynical could also be a positive trait. I have learnt to be direct, honest and critical about not just all around me, but most of all, myself. It has proven to be a blessing in a rather ugly disguise, in that regard. The constant intrigue and questioning is what drives me. It makes me the fast and in many ways, passionate person that I am.
Well, whether with age, I will become utterly, unbelievably cold or whether I will mellow down and learn to give myself as much as others a chance, is something only time can tell.
But until then, cold hard bitch doesn’t sound too bad to me!